Fixing Broken
by Nerdtastic78
Summary: Feeling used and resentful Chuck begins pushing everyone away. Apparently sometimes pushing someone away makes them work a little harder to be at your side. Charah goodness, might even be some M side chapters to compliment, depending on the interest.
1. Chapter 1

(A/N) _I have been reading Chuck fanfiction for about a year and I thought I might try my hand at some writing. Guess we will see how it goes! Please be gentle in your reviews, but not to gentle. I don't mind some criticism from the likes of the writers here, I feel like I would be in good company for sure!_

_Oh, I am so not cool enough to own Chuck, wish I was. How does that saying go? Wish in one hand….? Yeah…_

He felt broken inside. The past two years had taken their toll and he really had no idea how to make anything any better. There was no way out for as far as he could see. He was stuck in a dead end job that he was now tied to indefinitely, he was burning the candle at both ends to keep up with it and his new "secret job", and on top of that he had to lie on a daily basis to virtually everyone who meant anything to him.

His sister Ellie had given up her childhood for him, and in return he was lying to her every day, keeping her in the dark about his life because he feared for her safety, as well as his own. Then there was Morgan, his best friend for as long as he could remember. He had never kept anything from him and now, between the missions taking up all of his time and the lies he had to tell to him to keep him safe he felt like he didn't even know his bearded friend anymore. Every conversation they had he felt as if he was covering up lies with more lies, so much so he had begun to avoid hanging out with him at all just to avoid the fake conversations.

And then there was Sarah. What could he say about her other than she was not only the best, but also the worst thing about this whole entire ordeal. Without the Intersect she would have never came into his life, and that was both a pro and a con. He was so in love with this woman that he really felt like he floated when she was near him. When she smiled and looked at him with those amazing blue eyes he could swear his heart was going to jump right out of his chest. But that was the hardest thing to reconcile when she was _persona non grata _to him in every way, yet she was his "girlfriend" in everyone's eyes but his and hers, and of course Casey and Beckman. How could he forget about the banes of his existence? This was the woman who wanted him dead, and the man who would most likely put him in the grave if she gave the order. He hated that Sarah pretended so well, he knew everyone else needed to believe but for some reason he felt like a lot of the things she did went outside the realm of the cover. Smiles and conversations that were just them seemed so real to him, she seemed so genuine when she relaxed and it was just them. She felt like a real girlfriend in virtually every way except for the fact that she constantly reminded him she wasn't, and never would be.

He had no choice but to play along, day in and day out, and he was starting to really resent them all. He resented the Buy More for being the perfect "cover". He resented Morgan for not paying more attention and noticing something was wrong with him, even though he had gotten pretty good a distancing himself and Morgan had not exactly gone to the way side quietly. He had put up quite a fight at first, but thanks to his cover "girlfriend" Morgan had just taken it as a blow off to be with the beautiful woman that had stolen his friends' heart (and time). He resented Ellie because she still had a normal life, but he knew that wasn't fair to her. He just wanted so badly to be able to go to work and come home, nothing else required. He wanted to play his games with his friend, and maybe even go on a date where he had a chance of a real connection, maybe even some sex? He was a red-blooded male after all, even if he was a shy nerd. Resenting Sarah fell in this category. She was posing as his girlfriend but he didn't get anything out of that other than no way to have a real girlfriend, that made being with her sometimes really hard, especially now that he wanted her to be his real girlfriend more than anything. Resenting Beckman and Casey was both easy and felt good and fair to him; neither of them seemed to care at all about him, as long as he did what they wanted they would let him continue to breathe. That's what Casey had told him anyway after a particularly harrowing mission that almost got them all killed, he had not stayed in the van as he was told because he saw the target leaving out the back door as Sarah and Casey had gone in the front. He was trying to help, but instead the target got shot by a rogue agent and he had gotten taken by said agent and caused everyone to have to track him for days in order to retrieve him, or rather retrieve the intersect. None of it was ever really about him, he was quite sure that was all he was anymore and it stung more than he wanted to admit.

He found himself wearing down more and more from each day to the next. He was normally a pretty happy guy; he smiled a lot and was generally fairly jovial to anyone and everyone. Lately he found himself trying to put distance between himself and everyone instead. He avoided the counter at work now and spent most of his time in the cage working on the broken equipment. Now while his boss Big Mike was happy with the increase in productivity, it also meant he had left the counter to Lester and Jeff, whom were not exactly the customer service type. He told Big Mike he couldn't do everything anymore and if he wanted better help than maybe he should consider hiring them. Big Mike had stared at him with an open mouth full of powdered donut as he turned and walked back to the cage, and he didn't even care. When he got off work if he didn't have a mission he went directly home and spent his nights reading fanfiction and whatever new graphic novel happened to come out. He spent time on catching up on games he had not yet had the chance to play as well. Two years is a long time to go without playing all of the random genre new releases, he had missed a lot and found it was fairly easy to find something mindless to fill his time with. Sarah had come by the store multiple times to try and get him to go to lunch but he had made up excuses about being backlogged with work and had brushed her off repeatedly. She had also called a few times to try and arrange a cover date as well and he had pretty much just stopped answering her calls, he knew if it was a mission Casey would call and yell at him so he just ignored her calls completely, hoping that she would just let it go. It worked, for a little while.

TAP TAP TAP

"Chuck?" Sarah stood outside the Morgan door tapping politely but with a fairly confused and slightly angry look on her face. He looked over to her briefly and motioned for her to come in, but his attention went right back to his game he was playing. She climbed in and stood there staring at him for a few moments before walking to the TV and shutting it off. "Really Chuck? You have ignored me for weeks and I come to your house to talk and you can't even be bothered to put down the damn controller? What the hell is wrong with you? Did I do something?"

Chuck didn't even look at her as he got up and threw the controller on his bed. He grabbed his jacket and started to climb out the Morgan door without a word. She followed him quickly, grabbing his arm and spinning him around in the courtyard by the fountain. She looked him in the eyes and stood there, waiting for him to say something but he just lifted his finger and pointed to the security cameras. She nodded slightly, indicating that she understood and followed him to the parking lot.

"I expect some answers Chuck." Was all she said as she cut him off and power walked to her car "Get in." He hesitated for a moment until he saw the look on her face; she was on the verge of tears. Sarah Walker was upset and apparently hurt that he didn't immediately get in the car with her. Once again the ugly confusion that was his relationship with this woman reared its head and he closed his eyes and took a deep breath before climbing in and buckling his seat belt.

She drove for awhile until she came to the beach, their beach. Well, that's what he thought of it as anyway, he came here a lot when he wanted to daydream about her. Always in his mind was that first conversation he had with her here. She wanted his trust, but he felt like now she was really asking for his soul that day, with no payment in return. She turned the car off and jumped out of the door, slamming it behind her and walking off towards the waves. He took another deep breath and slowly climbed out of the car and followed.

"What the hell is going on Chuck? I haven't seen you for weeks outside the missions; you won't even answer the phone when I call you anymore! At this point we will need some serious cover maintenance to undo…"

"I don't care about the cover Sarah." He stopped her mid sentence. His utter distaste for that word very clear in the way he spit it towards her. It was enough to stop her rant; she just stared at him for a moment.

"Ok, what is wrong?" She asked with less accusation and a large element of concern suddenly present in her tone. She moved forward to touch his arm and he flinched and took a step back, completely throwing her off guard. She crossed her arms in front of her instead and stared at him, trying desperately to not show him how painful his reaction was for her to swallow.

"Nothing's wrong, but nothing's right either. I'm sorry Sarah, I just don't care anymore. I'll do what you guys tell me to because I don't want you to hurt Ellie or Morgan, but I don't want to play any of the games that come with it anymore, including being your cover boyfriend. I mean, let's be real, no one believes that you are with me anyway. I am personally tired of fielding those remarks about us especially when they are true, no one like you would ever be with someone like me by choice, it's just a fact." Sarah visibly stiffened at this remark and immediately looked at her feet. While she was trying to hide her visible anger at those ignorant words she knew to be so far from the truth he just assumed she was just trying to spare him her look of indifference. "It's ok Sarah, I know how you fe…"

It was Sarah's' turn to cut him off "Don't you dare Chuck! Don't you dare sit there and be so smug that you can presume you know how I feel, trust me you have NO IDEA."

"You are so right! I don't! And how would I Sarah? Is anything you tell me true? No! It's all for the cover. I do know the one thing that was true though, you telling me that you and I are not real, every flippin' chance you get. The thing that kills me is that I am not stupid. You may be able to control your words around me, but I watch your eyes dilate every single time you look at me, and when we are close I can hear you breathing speed up, I can see your pulse quicken in your veins in your beautiful neck. Fuck Sarah! I can smell your arousal when you are sleeping next to me for the "cover". You're not as good at lying to me as you think you are. I can't do this anymore with you. I can't be this close and so far away at the same time."

Sarah stood in shocked silence as he yelled at her. She looked like she was downright scared by the time he was done but she quickly schooled that under her "spy mask" as Chuck referred to it and began to speak. "No one ever said I didn't find you attractive Chuck and that is all you have proven by what you have just said. You know there are rules Chuck and I can't…"

"Can't? Or won't?" Chuck interrupted her yet again; tired of the same line of crap she gave him every time they had a conversation like this. He was pretty sure it was a scripted CIA response because she had it down perfect. He got right in her face as he asked her and she made a small step back as she gasped at his invasion of her space.

"What do you want me to say Chuck, is your attitude these past few weeks really all about us? You are the one who has been ignoring me, remember?" She tried to deflect the question like she always did and with that he kicked the sand as hard as he could towards the waves, and he turned around and started to walk away. "CHUCK!" She tried to restrain the panic in her voice. She had no idea he was this mad at her, but she should have and it bothered her. She followed him at a jog until she caught up. He spun around on her and got in her face again.

"I love you Sarah Walker! I am head over heels in love with you! There is my honesty, there is my truth. I have given you my everything for years with nothing in return. You wanted trust from me, that's what you asked for, do you remember?" He choked out over the tears that were forming in his eyes.

"Yes" she said timidly, remembering sitting there next to him that morning so long ago. She was trying desperately not to start crying as well, she had never seen him angry before tonight, and his anger was all for her. Her heart and mind were battling, her heart begged for her to reach out for him and tell him everything, how she longed to be his real girlfriend and how much she enjoyed every minute they spent together. Her mind however told her to hold her tongue and be strong, he was her asset and she was just doing her job.

"Well trust this, if I don't get some honesty from you soon then you and I will no longer even be able to be in the same room any more. How am I supposed to trust you Sarah? I trust that you will keep me safe during a mission, but apparently emotionally I am all on my own. That's fine, if that's how my life has ended up then so be it, but I will not pretend to love you when you know for a fact that I really do. I can't anymore, its killing me inside." Chuck got quiet towards the end and just stared at his feet, the tears pouring from his eyes. He waited for a moment, silently hoping for her to respond. She stood still and silent, saying nothing. He took a deep breath to calm himself, and turned and started walking away from her again. He hadn't gotten very far when heard her crying behind him as he walked away, but his inner anger got some sense of satisfaction from that so he just kept walking. If she would just be honest with him he would take away all of her tears, he would make her the happiest woman alive, if she would just let him he thought to himself and started to walk towards home.

Sarah watched him walk away and couldn't stop the desperate sobs that wracked her body. She let him go though, mostly because everything he said was right, and it hurt to know just how much pain she had caused him. Chuck was different from anyone she had ever met, and she was in serious trouble. She thought about Casey and Beckman, how each of them would react if she admitted her feelings, if she let on to how compromised she really was. The fear of losing her career was very real for her, but as she kneeled on the beach in the wet sand, tears cascading from her face, she realized that the fear of losing Chuck from her life was so much greater. She had no idea how to deal with that, because if she was honest with herself she had never wanted anyone in her life for any reason. Her dad was the only one she had wanted in her life but she had been very used to being without him for the most part by the time he was arrested and taken from her permanently. Bryce was another example, she hadn't really wanted him in her life so much as tolerated his presence. Everything that happened between them sexually had been either a product of pure adrenaline or pure drunkenness, and it was always followed with an awkward few days of situational denial. Chuck made her rethink every aspect of her life, she wanted his world to be hers, and she wanted him to be hers. The most amazing part about it all to her was that he offered exactly that to her with no reservations and no limitations, he asked for nothing in return and he showed her a glimpse of a life she never even knew existed beyond the movies. She had trust issues with everyone and it was no different with Chuck in the beginning, he was just honestly the first person in her life that had rightfully earned her trust with no exceptions. She honestly felt he would never betray her, never hurt her, and if given the chance to be with her, he would never leave her. She knew that this was the end of riding the fence for her, she had to make a decision, and she had to do it now. She pulled herself up and began walking towards her car.


	2. Chapter 2

_(A/N) Ok, so this might get a little more addictive for me then I previously thought. I now understand the glamour lure that is the reader review. My email lit up with follows and reviews almost immediately after posting my first chapter, so for that I must say thank you to all of you. I was in complete awe at the interest in my story, I really didn't expect it. Now that the adrenaline has worn off I guess I am here for my next fix. LOL! _

_I apologize that this chapter is a bit short of where I would like them to be, I felt the next portion of the story was better started on its own though._

_I am still hoping with my fingers crossed that some of my favorite writers here will read and review me so I guess I will just have to keep trying for that! _

_That being said I will again point out that my lack of Chuck ownership is sad but true._

_Enjoy!_

Chuck reached the Morgan door when the sun was just coming up over the horizon. He had thought about calling a cab from the beach but then decided that the walk would do him some good. He had to admit to being surprised that Sarah had let him walk away and not chased him down, he was the keeper of the precious intersect and all. He rolled his eyes at that thought. As he was about to climb in Casey came out of his apartment with clad in a bath robe, undershirt, and some boxers. He had a cup of coffee in hand and glared at him as he sipped from the steaming mug. Chuck stared back, but made no attempt to make pleasantries, Casey never cared about that sort of thing anyway so why bother.

"Moron." Casey said and tipped his cup up to greet Chuck with a grunt.

Chuck started to say something but instead just shook his head and went through the window. He figured Casey had been tracking him all morning somehow; Sarah would never have just let him walk home. He was glad she wasn't the one waiting here for him; he just couldn't take that after making her cry. He may be angry with her but he had never intentionally made a girl cry before unless you counted Ellie. He had definitely made Ellie shed some tears over the years, mostly before their parents split. In all fairness he was just being a typical little brother. He had done his best to make sure he never disappointed her after it was just him and her though, subconsciously it was probably from fear that she would give up on him too, just like their parents had. He knew now that his sister would never give up on him, but his sad, shy, and lonely 9 year old self had no such comfort at the time. He didn't feel a strong remorse about Sarah at the moment, but he knew once he had some sleep he would feel guilty. He wasn't trying to hurt her though, he was trying to keep himself from hurting for a change, and that in itself was enough for him to strengthen his resolve. He had spent many a night worrying about her with no relief, maybe it was her turn, if she even cared enough to worry he thought.

It was his day off so he was glad he would have time to catch some sleep since he had walked all night. He kicked off his shoes and threw his shirt across the room. He grabbed a towel and headed to the bathroom for a quick shower before his much needed nap. He stood in the water and took a few deep breaths; he was still mentally trying to deal with the conversation with Sarah. She had said she found him attractive hadn't she? He couldn't help but smile at that, until last night he didn't even know that much about her thoughts about him. Sarah Walker, spy extraordinaire thought him, Chuck Bartowski, to be attractive. It shocked him actually; he had spent so much time believing he was nothing but an annoying nerd to her. He had watched her seduce more dapper men than he would ever be, and then leave them in the dust when she got what she needed without batting an eye. How could he compete if she never even really gave them the time of day? He felt good that he had told her how he felt though, for once he had put aside his fear and been honest to a the point of brutality with her. With nothing held back he had made it clear to her that he was not just a toy for her, he had feelings and they were important to him, even if she wasn't allowed to be human he was not trained to be a robot. To him that seemed to be where their impasse was at, he was too emotional and she wasn't emotional at all except when she wanted something.

_She was crying when you left asshole. Not while you were watching, but when she thought you were far enough away you wouldn't hear. What could she possibly have wanted from you at that moment? Your pity? Not Sarah, you know better._

His thoughts ganged up on him and again he started to feel the pangs of remorse, like needles to the heart they assaulted him. He shut the shower off and began drying himself. He wiped the fog off the mirror and was shocked at what he saw. He had dark circles under his swollen eyes; he hadn't shaved in a few days so he was fairly scruffy as well. His cheeks were fairly gaunt from his lack of eating over the past few weeks and he cringed at the thought of seeing Ellie like this, she would go Dr. Sister on him if he wasn't careful and he would have to explain things he really didn't want to talk about. Not to mention it would just be another lying session on his part, one which he just really wasn't up for at the moment. He brushed his teeth and then made his way back to his bedroom quietly. He crawled in to bed with one last thought; he just wished he had never met Bryce. His world would be a much different place today had that been the case, he was almost sure he would be wealthy, married, and definitely not crying himself to sleep.

Sarah had called Casey to follow Chuck's GPS when he left the beach, she may be in love with him but that didn't mean she wasn't still in charge of his safety. It had to be done, especially when she was sure he wouldn't want to see her again so soon. She had gone up and down his route home all night while he walked, making sure to stay hidden in traffic clumps so he didn't notice. She wanted to make sure he made it home safe, but she also wanted to make sure he had the time alone he obviously needed. She thought a lot about what it would mean to be honest with him while she was driving. Her honesty was going to change a lot of things for everyone involved; she was just hoping that it was fallout that he would be with her to deal with. She was scared that she may have already pushed him too far, but she knew now more than ever that she needed him. More than wanting him to be hers, she wanted to be his. It was a startling revelation for her, she wanted to belong to someone, be loved and revered by someone, and she wanted that someone to be Chuck. She didn't even know how to begin the conversation she needed to have with him, and at this point she was terrified that he wouldn't even give her the chance. That would be her luck, reach an epiphany this huge in her tainted life and not even be able to try to make it happen. She tried to school her thoughts on the subject but even the thought of that made her cry, she wanted, no, she needed this more than she had ever needed or wanted anything in her entire life. As she had that thought she passed by him as he walked in to the parking lot of his apartments, she slowed down and parked down the street so she could watch him walk in to the courtyard, as soon as he did she pulled in to his parking lot and shut her car off. She called Casey.

"Casey, secure."

"Walker, secure. Casey, he just entered the courtyard. Give him some space, he's struggling right now with a lot, don't make it worse."

"Walker, just because you care about his lady feelings does not mean I have to. Why in the hell were you guys out at the beach in the middle of the night anyway? You got something you need to tell me?"

"Casey, just do you your job and I will do mine, ok?" Sarah said, not ready yet to admit anything to Casey, Chuck needed to hear her thoughts before anyone else, she owed him that much.

"Whatever Walker, you and I both know why the kid is a whiny baby lately, why don't you just shoot him in the heart? It would be less painful and legions more humane than this pony show you make him participate in on a daily basis."

"I thought you didn't care Casey, because that sounded an awful lot like empathy to me." Sarah said with a slight snicker, she knew Casey had lost some of his sharp corners on this assignment, just like she had.

"Deflect all you want Walker, you and I both know something has to give because the kid is taking a nose dive. I just want a working team, and I can't do that when one member can't even stand up because he doesn't eat anymore. I don't care what you do; just fix it, because I have a pretty big hunch that you are the only one who can." With that Casey hung up, leaving Sarah to ponder what exactly he meant by him not caring what she did, from Casey that was a loaded statement.

She sat in the parking lot for a good 45 minutes before sneaking around the complex to the Morgan door. She peeked inside from the furthest point she could find with a view and saw his body draped across the bed. She moved closer and saw him shaking softly, she knew that shaking, she did it herself from time to time, he was crying. Her heart ached and again she wanted to reach out to him, she wanted so badly to touch him and comfort him. Damn it. She hated herself at that very moment because Casey was right, this was all her fault and she hoped with everything in her that he was also right about her being the one to fix it.

She noticed his ribs poking out down his side and his legs and arms seemed smaller than usual. How could she have not noticed he wasn't eating? She had spent so much time trying to push him away that when he finally stayed back she didn't even have the presence of mind to continue doing her job. She spent more time worrying about why he had pulled away from her, when if she had thought about it she would have known it was just Chuck doing what she asked him to do with her words; it wasn't like he could hear her heart screaming the opposite. She had pushed and pulled him until he broke and she felt sick for even being capable of doing that to him without noticing. He had lost a lot of weight since she had seen without a shirt last, it worried her and she made a mental note that the first thing she would do after she convinced him she wasn't evil was feed him, any and everything he wanted to eat. And she did mean anything; she smirked at her own dirty thought. She took one last glance at him and retreated back to her car, being caught being a peeping Tom by anyone wasn't in her list of things to do today. She drove off towards her apartment, taking solace in the fact that she had made a decision finally. She just hoped that she wasn't too late.

Casey sat in his apartment and watched the surveillance feed, he knew Walker had been watching the kid through his window and he shook his head. He knew that protocol was why she was so stand offish but the level she took it to was beyond anything he had ever seen. She was really fighting her own demons with this one apparently, because everyone but the kid knew she was so in love with him she couldn't see past it anymore.

Casey knew he should have reported her being compromised about a month after this all had started, they always spent to long looking at each other when they thought the other one wasn't looking. They lingered when they touched for the missions, the longing so etched in both of their faces that it was impossible not to notice. He hadn't because it had never affected the missions, in fact the closer the two lovebirds got the better they were as a team. The read each other like no operatives he had ever seen before, no words necessary, all intuition.

Then the past few weeks had changed all of that. The kid had finally gotten some back bone and decided he deserved more than what he was getting, and if Casey were being honest with himself he completely agreed. After 2 years of being forced to be a non-paid gopher for the CIA he would have melted down a long time ago. Much to his surprise he had come to respect Chuck over the years, and he also had an admiration for his partner that he never expected to have for a CIA skirt. She was a badass, and she had his full support on this assignment. He wanted her to be happy for a change; he felt she deserved it after fighting it for so long. For him the job was everything, but for her? If this nerd was what she wanted then he was going to look the other way and make sure she had a fighting chance at getting him without worrying about her job.

Casey turned to the monitor of Chuck's bedroom and suddenly felt the need to turn them all off. He realized what was going on and he suddenly felt ill. He could see the tears on Chuck's face and he felt that maybe the man deserved a minute to himself. He flipped the monitor off, but left the recordings going. Just this once he figured he would give the kid some privacy. He sat in his chair and poured himself a glass of ol' faithful, Johnny Walker Black, and put his feet up on the coffee table. As he sipped his glass he thought about the past few weeks. He had watched Chuck slowly pull away from everyone, including his own sister. He saw Chuck spend hours in the cage at work and not speak with anyone, which wasn't like him at all. Chuck generally ate like a horse and he hadn't seen Chuck eat at all in days. He knew Walker was the center of Chuck's issues, but he also knew that Chuck was dealing with more than his lady feelings with her. He was almost sure that clearing things up with Walker would give Chuck a start at recuperating but he also knew that wouldn't be the end of this. He took another long swig from his glass and reached for the bottle again.

"How did protecting and serving my country ever come to this Ronnie?" He asked his framed Reagan picture as if it could talk back and give him the wisdom of the world. "Things used to be simple, find the bad guys and either kill 'em or bring 'em in. Now I spend my days playing matchmaker and watching a grown man cry in his bedroom, it's sad I tell you. Damn shame really. I even lost my car over this assignment! Can you believe that? " Casey picked up the frame and instead of filling his glass he took a swig straight from the bottle. "He's good people though, as much as I want to kill him for the car he's saved my hide a few times. The moron talks too much, he thinks too much, and he definitely doesn't follow orders. Despite all that, I believe he's got more backbone than most the men I have served with in my whole career. That's between you and me Mr. President." Casey said with a small smile as he placed the frame back on the table, grabbed his bottle and headed to his bedroom.


	3. Chapter 3

_(A/N) Again I must say thank you for all the interest you amazing readers show in my story. It makes me almost sad that I was not here when the show was on the air, but, alas, I am a Netflix Chuckster. I was not aware of this wonderful world until a short time ago, but I feel I am making up for it in enthusiasm at the least! I came here originally to ease the pain of the finale, it broke my heart and I needed a different ending so I could sleep at night. Never has a show taken my heart like this one, I have no idea what it is but this show hit every "itch" for me. (Ha! Thanks __**Molotov**__, using your verbiage!)Now I feel like we are all just keeping it alive until they make our movie we all need/want. _

_I feel many more stories coming on for me here, so hopefully I will give some of you a good read here and there. I will try to update at least once a week when life doesn't get in the way. Also, a little shout out to __**Chuckfanster**_, _thanks for the geography lesson. I am from the most landlocked state in America so I had no idea how far that walk would have been, glad I made the walk last all night!_

_Please review, need to know if I'm still keeping everyone's interest._

_Oh, and I am Chuck broke, I don't own a thing ;-)_

Chuck woke up and padded out to the kitchen in his bare feet and boxers. It was almost two in the afternoon and he smiled at the thought that no one had bothered him all morning. It didn't happen often, in fact, it hadn't happened in almost two years. His cocked his head to the side and looked out the window, the thought that no one had even tried to get his attention today almost made him uneasy. He shrugged it off; it was only two in the afternoon after all. There was entirely too much of the day left to make that kind of assumption.

He came to the refrigerator and opened it and peered inside. He wasn't really hungry but he was almost certain he could not remember the last thing he put in his mouth for sustenance. He knew he needed to at least choke something down or he would most likely spend the rest of his day in bed, his energy level was bottomed out from the near 20 mile walk he had made last night. In hindsight it wasn't the best idea but the thought of riding home with Sarah wasn't either so he did the lesser of two evils in his mind. His calves were pretty sore this morning but other than that he felt pretty good despite the emotional walk.

He poured himself some cereal and as he walked his bowl back to his bedroom he caught the picture on his nightstand out of the corner of his eye. It was the picture Sarah had taken of them during that first Halloween to replace the one that had been photo shopped together by the CIA's finest. He stopped short of his bed and suddenly felt guilty. He had really hurt her last night; he had hurt her more than he ever even knew he was capable of hurting her. He sat down and shoveled another spoon full of cereal in his mouth while staring at the picture. She was so beautiful. Why did he want her so much? He picked up his phone and scrolled to her name. He thought about calling her to apologize, but then stopped, what would he say? He meant every word he said last night. He put the phone down and pushed the frame down on the nightstand so he didn't have to look at it. He gathered his controller and headphones and began his all day marathon on the PS3, shoveling cereal between every menu and load screen.

Casey watched Chuck began his plans for the day and picked up his phone. He dialed her number and waited for her to pick up.

"Walker. Secure." She said, seemingly out of breath.

"Casey. Secure. Listen Walker, I just thought I would tell you that your boy toy has awakened from his beauty sleep and is beginning his nerd-a-thon for the day." Casey fiddled with the monitors and began cataloging his recordings from the night before. He would have to watch them all in fast forward before sending them to the general, just to make sure he hadn't missed anything since he wasn't watching last night.

"Um, thanks?" She stuttered over her heavy breathing.

"What the hell are you doing Walker? If I wasn't looking at super nerd in his own room I would think he was with you doing whatever it is that nerds do with women." Casey asked with a smirk at his own clever wording.

"Very funny Casey. I'm at Castle, just working out. You know, maybe I should give him a few days, he was.." Sarah started to say when Casey cut her off.

"NO! No more days Walker. No more time, no more whining from either of you. It ends, one way or another it ends. Today. No exceptions." Casey put his foot down. He was done watching this; he was done dealing with it period. He knew they were too; they just needed that extra kick in the pants to move it forward. Sarah said nothing on the other end, even the heavy breathing stopped. "Walker? I know you heard me."

"Casey, if you want this to end you know what I have to do. I'm done beating around the bush with you, are you going to turn me in for being compromised?" Sarah suddenly blurted out her question as though she had been holding her breath.

Casey wasn't sure he liked the way she worded her response. "I guess that depends on what you are going to do, or better yet, it depends on why you are going to do it. I told you what I want, a working team, and I told you last night I don't care what you do. Let me make myself clear though Walker, if you are just going to hurt him worse than keep your mouth shut, stay away from him, and I will talk to Beckman for you. If you wanted to go the way of the honey trap you should have done that a long time ago, he's not gonna fall for it and you're gonna close him off to all of us that way."

"What if I said that what I have to do for him just involves him and me? No CIA, no NSA. No Intersect, no mission, no cover. NO SURVEILLENCE. Is that something you can look the other way for? Be honest Casey, I just need to know. It honestly doesn't affect the conversation I am going to have with him either way, but I want to know how much time I have once I do this. I need to know if I'm saying hello or goodbye." Sarah choked out the last sentence with a sob. She knew what she was going to do, she had thought about it all night, all morning, and had just confirmed it with someone other than herself. This conversation was happening; she just wanted to know who else was going to have something to say about it.

Casey had a small smile on his face as he listened to her confession. He already had doctored surveillance for today and tonight, he would loop the recordings the minute she got there. "Good answer Walker, I've got your back…partner. No worries." Casey hung up, not wanting to hear her sobs of relief or fear.

Sarah stared at her phone with tears streaming down her face. Casey was actually on her side! She was in so much shock she almost dropped the phone when a text buzzed through and startled her. It was from Casey, it just said text him when she got to Chuck's, and he would take care of the SURVEILLENCE. She smiled and wiped her face with the back of her hand. She grabbed her gym bag and made her way out of Castle to her car. She had some primping to do for this conversation, if things went her way she had no intention of leaving Chuck's side tonight, or ever if he would let her stay that long.

Sarah took her time in the shower, shaving what needed shaved and scrubbing what needed scrubbed. She chose the perfume that Chuck had commented on when she wore it. She chose her favorite matching pair of boy shorts and bra, midnight blue lace with small bows at center of the bra and on each hip of the panties. She picked out her favorite tight jeans, the ones that were a bit more faded than usual because they were washed in every load. Every girl has them, and tonight that's what she was shooting to be, just every girl. Someone as normal as possible, someone Chuck loved despite all of her incredibly ugly past that he refused to make part of his decision. She put on a small blue top that she had just bought last week, she had picked it out to try and get his attention when he was ignoring her. She smiled at that thought, she had been denying so much for so long it just felt good to admit to things randomly, even if was just to herself.

She hoped that it caught his attention tonight; she was hoping to catch his attention in every way tonight. She needed him to be the simple, sweet, and shy guy she knew and loved if she was ever going to get through what she had to say to him tonight. She had practiced all morning on how she was going to word it. She had also prepared herself for the reality that he would kick her to the curb and not even let her say anything, she hated to admit it but she was not below using tears and other subtle manipulation to get him to listen today. She needed for him to hear her today. Not his handler, not even his quasi partner, but her. The woman who loved him more than anything and was done trying to deny it was the one who needed to be heard. She knew Chuck was angry, and she knew he deserved every ounce of that anger, and she deserved every bit he wanted to share with her. She knew all of this and she accepted it. She would endure his rants of pain for as long as he needed if it meant she got a chance to share how she felt with him in the end. She had long ago given up the idea that she could be without him, now she was finally giving in to the idea that she could actually be with him as well. She had been kidnapped, tortured, and even shot through her many years with the CIA and she had stood tall with only a minimal amount of fear every time. As she prepared to speak to the man who held her heart she was more terrified than she had ever been as she picked up her keys and headed for the door.

Chuck lay across his bed with his headset on his chest and the controller between his legs. He had fallen asleep during his game and was snoring softly. He had not bothered to dress for his all day gaming plans so he was wearing nothing but his pin striped boxers and a small smile. Sarah had been standing outside the Morgan door for almost 10 minutes, watching her heart on the other side of the glass. She loved his smile when he slept; it was so innocent and peaceful. She picked up her phone and dialed Casey.

"Casey. Secure."

"Walker. Secure. I'm here Casey. I know you wanted me to text but I wanted to say something to you before this happens." She paused and collected her thoughts and took a deep breath. "You are without a doubt the best partner I have ever had. I have the utmost respect for you and I want you to know this means more to me than you will ever know."

Casey grunted softly."Go get him Walker." And with that he hung up.

Sarah dropped the phone back to her belt clip and smiled. Two years ago she never would have guessed that the NSA burnout John Casey would be one of her closest friends, but today she wouldn't know what to do without him. She glanced back up to the Morgan door and opened it quietly, stepping in with great care so as not to wake Chuck. She walked to his desk chair and sat down, never taking her eyes off the lanky sleeping nerd. She wanted to lie down and curl up next to him but she decided that was not the way to start this conversation, he would probably be upset if she did. He believed everything she had ever done to be affectionate towards him was for the cover, while ever bit of affection she had ever shown him was never part of the cover for her. She had been living for those moments for the past two years; they were the only thing that kept her sane in their cover relationship.

She watched him sleep for almost 30 minutes, she was enjoying being with him, even if he didn't know she was there. In this moment they were both happy, he was happy in dream land and in a way so was she. Hers was more a fantasy land though, in which she could watch him sleep anytime she wanted because she was by his side every moment of every day. Just the thought of that becoming a reality warmed her inside, not only her heart but other various assorted bits as well. She decided she had waited long enough and she walked to the other side of the bed and sat down next to him. She reached out and smoothed out the curls on his forehead with her fingertips as softly as she could. Not softly enough though because within seconds her wrist was in his large hand and she was staring in to the warmest brown eyes she had ever known.

"What the…Sarah?" Chuck stuttered out as he looked at her through his squinted eyes. He registered that he was gripping her wrist tightly and let it go quickly with a grimace as he scooted up to his headboard and threw the blanket over his lap. "Sorry about that. What are you doing here?"

Sarah placed her hand back on her lap and looked at him. "We need to talk Chuck." She almost whispered. She shook her head at her sudden lack of confidence, why was this so hard?

Chuck grabbed his phone off the nightstand and looked at it somewhat confused. "If we have a mission I can meet you over at Casey's in a few after I get dressed. You could have just called I would have met you wherever instead of…"

Sarah cut him off by grabbing his phone and again staring him directly in the eyes. She wanted him to really see the difference today between Agent Walker and Sarah, Agent Walker wasn't here at all today. "No Chuck, this isn't about a mission."

Chuck stared back at her and got a very guarded look on his face. He placed his phone back on the nightstand and picked up a pair of sleep pants that were on the floor. He threw his legs over the side and stood up while he put them on. "I have to use the restroom Sarah, make yourself at home since you let yourself in like you live here anyway." He said as he walked out of the room.

Sarah flinched at the heat in his words, she should have knocked. She felt guilty for invading his privacy, he had enough of that from everyone else and she had just done so without thinking. She assumed this was a boundary she would know more about if she had ever been in a healthy relationship, but alas she was still being a spy. She was kicking herself mentally and second guessing herself in this whole scenario when he walked back in the room and flopped back on the bed.

They both sat in silence until she finally decided it was now or never. She turned around and grabbed his hands and placed them in her lap. He looked at her uneasily but didn't pull away. She sighed in relief and looked in his eyes, willing him to see her cache of emotions she was about to release. "Chuck, I need you to do something for me." He immediately started to pull away and she tightened her grip on his hands almost involuntarily. "Please Chuck, don't." She panicked and started to shake a bit, which he must have noticed because he stopped moving.

"What now Sarah? Do you want my first born? Maybe my kidney or.." Chuck said angrily, yet to his credit he still did not pull away from her.

_I would love to have your first born Chuck, just not like you think._

"No Chuck, I just need you to listen to me. I want to make it perfectly clear who you are listening to though. Agent Walker is not here, there is no surveillance running right now. This conversation is between you and me, just Chuck and Sarah. No CIA, no NSA, no handler, no asset. Is that ok?" Sarah took a deep breath and watched her nerd go from angry to a state of disbelief and then finally to an utter state of confusion. He then just nodded slightly, staying silent but she saw some of the tension ease out of his posture. She let out her breath that she had been holding and loosened up her grip on his hands. She looked at his hands in hers and a small tear escaped her eye, she couldn't even be near him anymore without feeling overwhelmed. Casey was right, this had to end today. One way or another the truth was going to set her free.

"Ok. The first thing I want to say to you is I am sorry. I'm sorry for all the bull shit you have gone through in the past two years, I'm sorry that Bryce took it upon himself to ruin your life not once, but twice. But the thing is I can't control what happened, I can only deal with what has happened since I came in to the picture. That being said I am sorry for the way I have treated you for the past two years, for what it's worth anyway."

Chuck didn't move through her whole apology, he watched her stare at his hands as she talked and he watched the way her hands tremor with every breath she took. He wasn't sure what was going on but she seemed so serious that he felt that he should keep his snarky comments and comedic relief to himself and let her get it out. When she seemed to have come to a stopping point he started to say something. "Sarah, you don't have to apolo.."

"I'm not done yet Chuck, please just shut up and listen." Sarah cut off his words like a knife and he did as she asked. "I have spent my whole life by myself Chuck, I have never needed or wanted anyone by my side because there has never been any one worth that to me, until now." Sarah almost whispered the last part as she looked up at him. _Here goes nothing._

"The thing is Chuck, I am a mess of a human being. I wasn't kidding when I told you I came with baggage, I could fill a freight train with the things I have seen and done. All of these things are so far from the world you have lived in your whole life, and I feel like I am staining you just by being near you. I have fought being close to you since day one, and I have decided I just can't do it anymore. "Sarah was talking through tears at this point, but she was also staring right in his eyes while she said the last sentence.

Chuck quickly forgot her request for him to shut up and blurted out through a pained expression, "So what does that mean? Are you giving up? "

Sarah shook her head softly. "No Chuck, more like I am giving in. I think about you every minute of every day. I wonder about what it would feel like to wake up in your arms every day. I wonder what it would be like to have lunch with you when I could hold your hand and kiss your lips whenever I wanted. I wonder what it would be like to have dinner and a movie with your family when I didn't have to stop myself from laying my head in your lap, or cut off a kiss that I desperately want to continue. I wonder what it would be like to go to bed with you every night too, and please don't misunderstand me. I want to make love with you so bad I can taste it but these feelings are about so much more than that. If sex was all I wanted from you we would have been sleeping together from day one. You consume my whole world now Chuck, and believe me when I say it has nothing to do with the stupid computer in your brain. While it brought me to you, I have finally decided that it will never take me from you, unless you want me to go." Sarah was shaking and crying through her whole confession, her thumbs just kept rubbing up and down the side of his hands that she still held in her lap. "So there it is, you wanted my truth. I don't even know where to go from here Chuck. I just know I had to tell you this before I lost my chance. You were so angry at me last night I…"

"I'm sorry Sarah, I never meant to.."

"No Chuck! Don't apologize for telling me how you feel. Don't ever apologize for that, I always want to know how you feel, about everything. You were right about all of it, every last word. You made me realize just how far we had gotten without actually going anywhere in our relationship. You are hands down the most amazing man I have ever met. You are kind, selfless, honest, and incredibly sexy. I am a cold hearted, dishonest, and an incredibly selfish person who doesn't deserve to breathe the same air, much less share a life with you. I don't know how to be in a relationship Chuck. All I know is that I want you, I want us." Sarah again went back to looking at their hands intertwined on her lap; again her thumbs began caressing the back of his hands. It seemed to calm her so Chuck let her continue. They sat in silence for a few minutes until Sarah finally looked up at him with her tear stained face. "Wow. Nothing to say huh?" She said while her chin started to quiver, the tears started flowing down her cheeks again.

"On the contrary, I was making sure you were done. I seemed to be more of an interruption so I was waiting my turn." Chuck said with a smile. Her heart jumped in to her throat as she saw that smile, which was her smile, the one she hadn't seen in almost a month. She returned a small smile but was unable to give it her all through her nervous shaking that still had not abated. He grabbed her shaking hands and placed them up to his chest, holding them with one hand and using the other to tip her face up so she was looking right at him.

"Was that so hard?" He asked as he wiped the tears from her cheeks with his thumb.

"Hardest thing I have ever done honestly." She said without missing a beat. She was done lying to this man. She would tell him anything and everything, no matter how vulnerable it made her. She trusted him completely. He surprised her when he just nodded with a serious expression on his face.

_Of course he understands. He's loved me from afar for years too. He's jaded just like I am, how could I have never realized that? After Jill and Bryce it's a wonder he even has a heart left. _

Chuck released her hands and with one swift motion he pulled her whole body close to him. She gasped at the sudden movement but quickly threw her arms around his neck. He stared in to her eyes for what seemed to her like a lifetime, and then he reached up and slowly trailed his fingertips across her cheek. She was silent and stilled, her whole body just basking in the close proximity of him. She could just enjoy it for the first time ever, no one was watching, and she wasn't in danger of revealing her most closely guarded feelings. He already knew. She closed her eyes and concentrated on the feeling of his fingers caressing her face, it felt amazing, and surprisingly more intimate than anything she had ever been a part of.

Chuck felt Sarah's whole body relax against him as he stroked her face. He watched in awe as she closed her eyes and leaned in to his touch. He had never seen anything so beautiful in his life. He slowly moved in and brushed his lips against hers, he was purposely going slowly, mostly to give her the chance to back out. He had never been the one to initiate a kiss with her until this moment and didn't want to be shut down on his first try. She reacted in a completely different way than he thought though and her hand shot up to the back of his head and began running her fingers through his hair, pulling him deeper in to her. The kiss that started as a small experiment on his part had became a desperate lip lock that neither had any intention of stopping. Her tongue almost immediately sought entrance to his mouth, licking across the top of his lip and the bottom before meeting his tongue somewhere in the middle. The deeper the kiss became the more neither of them seemed to notice the world around them, but neither of them were going to be the first to back away from what they had both wanted for so long. In that moment it was just Chuck and Sarah, for the first time, and they were both very lost in each other.

_AH! Don't kill me. Chuck's half of the conversation is coming up. They still have a lot to discuss, but Charah has begun! I will probably write a M rated chapter to fit in this spot later, so if you are interested keep an eye out for that, should be interesting;-)_


	4. Chapter 4

_(A/N) Sorry it's taken a minute for this update. I am recovering from a shattered ankle and blown tendon surgery and therapy has become pretty intense this week now that I am finally weight bearing again after 4 months. That whole life getting in the way thing I mentioned before, ya know._

_So, excuses out of the way I have re-written this chapter a few times because of an interesting question posed to me by __**Molotov**__ as to where I see this story going now that I have joined the super couple. I am not honestly sure where I see this going as my mind has wondered already to other stories and plot lines. I want to "finish" it but I can honestly say I am unsure where/when that will happen. Sorry, guess this ride is open ended still._

_Chuck still isn't mine, despite my best effort._

Chuck pulled away slightly from Sarah's flushed face and swollen lips to catch his breath and stare at the amazing creature that was currently molded to him in a very appealing way. Her eyes were still closed but she slowly opened them when he continued to look at her, she looked up at him beneath her slightly hooded lashes, her gaze tentative and slightly frustrated.

"Chuck?" She said quietly. The question in her voice was loaded with much more hesitation than she had intended.

"Yes?" He answered her with a smile and claimed the base of her neck with a soft nibble without waiting for an answer. She moaned and smiled in to his shoulder before he again pulled back to look at her.

"Oh Chuck." She reached up and gently ran her fingers across his jaw, ending on his bottom lip and sliding her finger up to prevent him from capturing her mouth again. "I could spend all day letting you take my breath away with your amazing mouth.." she went up on her toes and kissed his lips, keeping her finger between their lips. "…and your magic fingers…" she grabbed his hand and brought each finger up to her mouth, kissing the tips gently before bringing the last one in between her lips and sucking gently. "..oh the things I want you to do with these, you have no idea how much I want that right now Chuck.." her eyes traveled up to his face which was now staring very wide eyed at her. "But, like I said before, this isn't about sex…well, it's not only about sex anyway." Sarah smiled at him as he shook off the blank look and nodded knowingly back at her.

"I agree. Completely." He withdrew his hands from hers and moved her towards the bed, sitting her down and slowly sitting next to her. He looked over at her and really made a conscious effort to stare in to her beautiful eyes as he said his next thought. "Sarah, I am so sorry."

Sarah went from flustered to confused, and shook her head. "Why are you sorry Chuck? I told you that you had nothing to apologize for. "

"But I do Sarah. Please just let me say what I need to say." Chuck placed his elbows in his lap and began wring his hands together, staring at the floor beneath his feet. Sarah felt her fear bubble up in her chest and her hands began to shake again. She held them together and said nothing. She just gazed upon his profile as he avoided her eyes. _Oh My. Is this how it feels before your world falls apart? Is this it? Is he going to tell me he can't be with me, that I wasted too much time? _Sarah let her imagination run wild, still not believing for even a moment that she deserved to be here.

"Ok." She whispered so quietly, trying hard not to betray her inner turmoil, not wanting him to see how much she was hanging on his every word.

"I owe you an apology for last night Sarah. Not for what I said, please understand I meant every word I said. I owe you an apology for the way I handled the whole conversation, it was cold and childish and not my style at all." He still kept his eyes between his legs, focusing on his twisting hands rather than looking at her.

She took a deep breath and smiled at him. _He feels guilty? About being angry? He must have heard me cry, shit. My poor Chuck, he can't even get mad without feeling guilty. _She reached out and placed her hand on top of his, gripping them so he would stop wringing them, and tugged slightly towards her. He looked up finally and she met his eyes with a relieved grin. "Oh Chuck, everyone is allowed a little leeway once and awhile. We can't all be perfect all the time, I for one am glad to know you aren't honestly! It's a little less to live up to in the long run." She nudged his shoulder and chuckled softly as she said this.

"No Sarah. I treated you like garbage. I unloaded on you and walked away. I was raised better than that, Ellie would have disowned me had she seen how I treated you. I say I love you in one breath and then I leave you…crying…and walk away. I took out a lot more than my anger on you last night Sarah, and for that I am sorry. You deserve more from me." Chuck looked at her very seriously as he apologized, he needed her to know how serious he was.

Sarah fought the urge to roll her eyes when he spoke about what she "deserved" from him. She stood up and came around to face Chuck on the bed; she pulled his hands apart and knelt between his legs, placing his arms behind her, her hands at his hips, and staring up in to his teary chocolate brown windows. "Chuck, how about we say something here regarding what we think each other deserves. I don't feel like I deserve anything but the cold shoulder from you after the way I have pushed you around for the past couple of years. I certainly don't think I deserve your friendship, much less your…love. Yet here we are, this is what you are offering me, and this is what I am fighting to accept. I think you deserve the world, handed to you on a silver platter by someone who has no problems showing you exactly how they feel at any given moment, no matter what. I don't feel like I can give you anything close to what you deserve Chuck, and I admit that scares me. It terrifies me honestly. You deserve normal, but instead you want me, and I am anything but normal. I have decided I have to believe in you, that you really know what you want, and that I am really it. You are going to have to do the same thing, no matter what you think I "deserve". You are what I want. I need you to believe in me too. I don't deserve you Chuck, but if you let me, I'm making you mine anyway." Sarah never took her eyes of his but she slowly moved up in to his lap, sitting on one of his knees and bringing her hands up to either side of his face. She brought her lips up to his ear. "I want to be yours too Chuck."

Chuck had been silently listening to everything she had said but when she whispered in his ear he heard a low growl come from somewhere. When he saw Sarah lean her head back give him a surprised smile he realized it had been him. She wanted to be his. He had never heard anything so intriguing in his whole life. "Really?" he whispered in disbelief, still waiting for something to ruin the moment like it always did. Still watching for her "spy mask" to fall back in place, still doubting.

Sarah just stared back at him. "Oh yes Chuck, more than I can ever tell you. Well, more than I know how to tell you right now…but I am working on that, I promise." She was rewarded for her honesty and bravery with that smile that had been tailor made for her soul. His smile reached his eyes and they bore in to her with such intense adoration that she almost stopped breathing.

"You are the most amazing woman I have ever met. You deserve more than you have ever even allowed yourself to dream of, I promise you that. You give me peace of mind Sarah, when you are by my side I can do anything. I have been yours for so long I don't even know how to be anything else, but to know that you want to be mine Sarah, I can't even tell you what that means to me. It's enough, for now." Chuck said with another small smile. He leaned in and captured her lips, slowly bringing her in to another deep kiss by pulling her closer and closer until there was no space between their bodies. Sarah began to squirm on his leg and brought her hands up to his chest, reluctantly pushing him away and following his lips at the same time. The irony of the push and pull was not lost on either of them and they both began giggling as they regained their collective breaths.

"This is the most sexually frustrating conversation I have ever had Chuck." Sarah smiled and flopped over his leg and reclaimed her seat next to him on the bed. She took a deep breath and ran her fingers through her hair, crossing her legs to try and ease some of the tension. Chuck also adjusted his pants as well as the way he was sitting on the bed, nodding in total agreement to her statement the whole time. Again they both looked at each other and began laughing, both of them flopping back on the bed and staring at the ceiling. When the laughing stopped they both turned and faced each other, not saying anything.

"I'm so glad you are here Sarah. I feel like I can breathe again." Chuck suddenly announced. He immediately blushed at his outburst and looked away from her. She immediately reached out and brought his face back to hers.

"I know what you mean Chuck, I missed you too." She smiled at him as her hand stroked his face lightly. Her hands moved down his neck slowly, tracing his muscles and veins with her fingertips until she reached his chest. He closed his eyes as she trailed her fingers through his short chest hair until she reached his rib cage. He froze and his eyes opened to see her staring at him, tracing his ribs through his skin with frown on her face. "I still ate though Chuck, did you?"

"Not really" he stated simply. It wasn't an apology or an excuse, just a statement.

"Will you eat if I make you something?" Sarah asked as she looked at him hopefully.

"You don't have to do that Sarah." Chuck said with a small smile. He reached over and placed an errant curl behind her ear as he did and she grabbed his hand and held it to her cheek.

"I'm fully aware of what I do and do not have to do Chuck, but right now I need and want to feed my man food, will you eat if I make you something?" She began kissing his palm while waiting on his answer.

"Will you eat too?" He asks as he watches her tongue trail the line in his hand as she nods her head yes. She is watching his face intently as she slides her tongue between his thumb and forefinger. He groans and she smiles evilly. "Ok, yes, I will eat." He shakes his head at her and smiles as she bounds off towards the kitchen. After a few minutes to "cool" off he gets up and follows her.

He watches her move around his sister's kitchen with great ease, gathering ingredients and utensils and smiling a smile he had never seen before. She was right. The great Agent Walker was nowhere near this scene. This was just Sarah, his Sarah, and she was cooking for him. He smiled again to himself but got caught when she turned and saw him leaning against the door way staring at her.

"See something you like in here Chuck?" She said playfully.

"Oh, I more than like it Sarah." He said in a low voice, and within second he was behind her in her ear, pressed up against her backside making her breathing quicken and shallow out. "I love her." He said, kissing her behind the ear softly. She instantly had goose bumps down the side he had kissed and let out a breath she wasn't aware she had been holding as he moved away to the table.

She frowned slightly as she kept working on their dinner. _Why can't I tell him I love him? I do. I love him. I love everything about him or I wouldn't be here right now risking my whole career for a chance to be with him. He says it's ok, "for now". What does that mean? Will he leave me if I can't say it? Does it mean I don't love him if I can't say it to him? I love him. He's my Chuck. He's my heart. I want him to feel it when I say it to him like I do when he says it to me. I have to tell him. How can I tell him? He deserves to know._

"SARAH!" Chuck raises his voice.

"Huh? OH! CRAP!" Sarah flips the burnt pancake in to the sink and starts another one. Trying to avoid his face suddenly, feeling slightly guilty.

"Are you ok?" He is by her side, touching her back softly.

"Yes. I was just thinking, I got lost for a minute, I'm sorry." She replies, distracted by the food now, making sure she doesn't burn anything else.

"About what?" He asks, like she knew he would. That's Chuck. Nothing gets by him at all where she is concerned.

"You." She states simply. She's not ready to say it, as much as she wants to be she knows that is the final step. When she says that she officially gives him a status she has never given anyone. Even though it's already true, he doesn't know it yet, and she needs to keep that to herself for a few days longer. _Just a few days and then I will tell him, I __**will**__ tell him._

"Well maybe you shouldn't do that while you are cooking baby." He comes up behind her and picks up the skillet and flips the pancake she is making. He is again pressed up against her back side and she inhales sharply as all her senses concentrate on his breath against her ear.

"MMMMmmm…Chuck, you have to quit that. I can't concentrate with you against me like that." She reaches her hand above her right shoulder and cups his face as he attacks her neck again. She moans and goes completely lax against his body, her knees giving out. She holds herself up with his neck and the kitchen counter as he continues his assault of her neck. "oh oh oh oh, Chuck…ummm.." Sarah uses her hips to push him back and she flips the pancake out and puts it on the plate. "Food. First. Eat." She stutters every word as she gazes at him in awe. She has never done this with anyone, she's never been genuinely this playful with anyone for anything. _What has he done to me? _

He grabs the plate with a pout and sits down. He stares at her as he takes slow bites. She continues to make pancakes, her face flushing every time she catches his eye. _How does he do that? _She wants him to talk more, to open up to her about the past month. She is trying desperately to make this day more than physical for him, she wants him to know she is in this all the way. She shakes her head and smiles as she realizes this conversation is going to go however he dictates tonight. She makes an agreement with herself that for tonight she will be ok with that. She got him to smile tonight, she got him to eat, and she told him how she felt about him, sort-of. It was a good night, she wouldn't push him for any more, yet.

She sits down across the table and she immediately notices he has completely changed moods again and had only eaten half of one pancake. He was pushing a bite around on the plate with his fork, unfocused but frowning slightly.

"Sarah, can I talk to you about something else. Something other than you and me?" Chuck asks quietly, still looking down at his pancakes.

"Anything baby, I'm here for you for anything." She responds quickly, giving him her complete attention. _He's going to tell me on his own. He really does trust me. He loves me. I love him. I want to tell him._

"I need a break." He still does not change his far off look as he states this to her.

"A break from what Chuck?" She asks softly.

"I hate both of my jobs Sarah. I don't want to work at the BuyMore anymore, but Beckman makes me stay because it's the perfect "cover"." He again adjusts his tone to show his distaste of that word before he continues. "I work a full 8 to 10 hours to make a living and then another 8-10 hours for nothing. I need a break or I need a better arrangement. I can't keep doing this. I'm burning out, bad." Chuck continues to stare at nothing as he talks.

She watches his face as he talks and immediately she feels anger bubbling up within her. She is mad at herself, she is mad at Casey, she is mad at Beckman and Graham, the CIA, and all the way up the ladder. He is right, he has worked his ass off for 2 years and he has never been paid a dime. No one had thought to recognize him for the fact that he did just as much (if not more) than her and Casey. He was owed payment for something from them, of that much she was sure. She would make that happen for him, and maybe even work on a new cover for him. Maybe she could even work in a new cover for herself with him?

"You're right Chuck. We will address that with Beckman next time we meet. I will back you up, you work really hard for a recruit. Hell, you work really hard for a spy. I know Casey will agree. Why have you never said anything before Chuck? I told you if you ever needed anything to tell me. I feel like a failure as your handler for not noticing you were getting burnt out." Sarah looked at him with her apologetic smile even though he still had not unfocused from the space between here and there.

"There is more." He stated and began to shake a bit. The tears started to well up in his eyes and he looked right at her. "I miss my sister and my best friend Sarah, I can't lie to them anymore. I am willing to take a bullet to tell them the truth at this point. I just can't keep going without them." He begins crying in earnest never taking his eyes of hers. She swallows hard and moves toward him quickly, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and burying him in her chest as he sobs. She has never done this either. She has never comforted someone she cared about for anything. She hopes inwardly that she is doing it right. She wants to be everything he needs. He clings to her as he sobs and she knows that he is burnt out, he's not getting there, he's been there for awhile.

"Shhh…oh…baby I am so sorry. I don't know how to fix that but I promise you I will work on it, for you I will work on it. Shhh…" She rocks him slightly as she runs her fingers through his hair, he slowly stops sobbing but never lets go of her. She silently thinks that she is really ok with that as she enjoys touching him too. "I don't know what it's like to have people like that Chuck, but I know that they are so important to you. I know this has been so hard for you where they are concerned, we will figure this out, together."

Muffled from her chest he repeats her last word. "Together." He pulls his head up and looks up at her. "That is the best thing I have heard for a long time." And there is that smile again, feeding her broken insides like water to a desert, quenching that thirst she never knew was there. _He is worth everything I have to do to be by his side. And so much more. I have to tell him. I need to tell him. I WANT to tell him._

They move over to the couch and spend the next few hours cuddled on the couch and talking. They talked about anything and everything. He makes her smile. He makes her laugh. He even manages to make her cry a few times when he talks about his parents. She hates his pain; even though it's old she wants to take it away from him. She tells him things. Things she has never shared with anyone. Things she shouldn't share with her asset, but things she should share with her boyfriend, so she does. She tells him about her childhood. She makes him smile, and laugh, and yes. She even brings a tear or two to his eyes. He hates her pain; he too wants to take it away from her no matter how old it is. For the second time in a day they are just Chuck and Sarah.

_(A/N) So now we see what you think. End it here and start something else or keep going? Oh, and that M rated chapter is still in progress, but I am working on it!_

_Please Review guys, let me know what you think!_


	5. Chapter 5

_(A/N) Well. Now that I had some fun with the M chapter I am getting back to the base of my story. I am struggling with some plot holes here and I am not quite sure how I want to tie everything together .I don't want to end it with any less effort than I began it and that is causing me to write and rewrite quite a bit. _

_I started another story this week that is AU so I will be posting that soon, I thought maybe going on to another story would give me inspiration to continue this one. So I guess this story or the next I will continue to post as much as possible, so be patient with me! I do promise I will complete them all, only because I know the frustration of an incomplete story on here, especially when it is one you really like!_

_So here it is, hope you all enjoy!_

_Still not the owner of Chuck, but I am definitely having fun playing with their characters!_

Chuck shuffled through the bedroom getting dressed. His heart felt lighter than it had in months and he was definitely wearing a smile on his face. Sarah said she wanted to be his. He smiled even wider, almost blushing when he thought about the rather amorous time they had shared in the bathroom this morning. When they had gotten done in the shower Sarah had gotten the text from Casey stating that the surveillance was being turned back on. She had almost immediately let her spy mask fall in place, telling him they would talk more after work. She asked him to walk her to her car and when they were out of range of the cameras she had pushed him against the car and kissed him. She had held his face with both hands and when they finally stopped to breathe she put her forehead against his and stared at him, tears starting to form in her eyes.

"I want you to know I am going to work on everything we talked about last night. You really can count on me. I will fix this for you … for us. And Chuck, I want you to know … I … I … DAMN IT! Why is this so hard?" Sarah closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"Sarah? What's wrong?" Chuck asked quietly, feeling some fear about her response. Sarah's eyes opened and she looked at him again, the tears were streaming down her cheeks now. She looked scared and Chuck had a really bad feeling. "Oh Sarah, please just tell me, I can take it."

Sarah just shook her head and smiled. "I … I just wanted to tell you that … I love you." Chuck just stared at her for a moment. His look of fear slowly transformed in to disbelief, which slowly turned in to her smile that she had unknowingly come to live for. He leaned in and kissed her again. This kiss was unlike any they had shared up to that point. It was slow, soft, and relaxed. There was no tension, no apprehension, and he held absolutely nothing back from her. She could feel the difference and was shocked she had not noticed how guarded he had been with her before.

"I love you Sarah, so very much." Chuck said when he broke the kiss. He started to step away from her so she could leave and she gripped tightly around his neck and pulled him back to her.

"I don't want to let go." Sarah pouted and kissed him again, stopping only to bury her face in his neck. Chuck definitely shared her desires there and pulled her close. They stood like that for a few minutes before she finally kissed his neck, then his lips, and then backed away from him reluctantly. "So … lunch today?" She asked almost shyly.

Chuck smiled and reached up to tuck her hair behind her ear. "Absolutely beautiful." Sarah smiled and got in the car, waving as she pulled out of the parking lot towards her apartment.

As Chuck finished getting ready for work his mood slowly took a nosedive. He began thinking about the Buymore. The thought of going to work today and going through the motions again made him feel sick to his stomach. He walked out to his car and sat behind the wheel, trying to find a reason to actually put the key in the ignition. While he was busy staring at the steering wheel his phone beeped with a new text message. He picked up his phone and opened the message, it was from Sarah. **_Can't wait for lunch miss u already ILY_**. He started the car and headed to work.

Sarah walked in to the Orange Orange and didn't bother to flip the open sign. She headed straight back to Castle and descended the stairs. Casey was already there, sitting at the table with his entire gun cleaning kit and a few random pieces from the armory. He grunted and kicked the chair out that was across from him, indicating he wanted her to sit. She smiled and did as he asked, without as much as a word. Casey snickered.

"So apparently a well laid Walker is a more compliant one?" He said with a sideways glance at her across the barrel of his Blaser R93 Sniper rifle.

Sarah only smiled. "I know you don't want details Casey, and I am to grateful to you right now to torture you with them anyway, so let's just say yes." She said as she picked up the Colt M4A1 rifle in front of her and began disassembling it.

Casey nodded and smiled slightly. He shook his head and kept working on the R93. "So what now Walker? We need a plan, because I know he's still not ok."

Sarah stopped what she was doing and looked up at Casey. "How do you know that?"

Casey grunted and looked up at one of the monitors , the one that was currently viewing a very closed off Chuck working in the cage with his headphones in. "He hasn't said a word to anyone this morning, been that way for months. Only difference this morning was he stopped for a few donuts in the break room before he hibernated, at least he's eating now" Sarah smiled shyly, her mind going to their playful banter over the pancakes last night. Her smile faded though when she remembered the conversation they had while they were eating.

"You're right Casey, he's not ok. He's miserable, and it's our fault." Sarah said seriously as she began cleaning the barrel of the Colt.

"Our fault huh? How's that Walker?" Casey looked up at her with raised eyebrows.

"I don't mean just you and me Casey. I am talking about the bigger picture, the CIA and the NSA. It is us too though Casey, we have let this go on to long and he is losing it."

"Let what go on to long? I didn't give him the intersect. I certainly didn't authorize him to go on missions with us. Last but not least, I am not the "forbidden" love of his life so pray tell how I am even involved in "letting" anything go on to long." Casey had stopped cleaning and was now looking at her for answers.

"He's been working just as hard as us for the past 2 years Casey. He deserves something for that, he deserves at least a paycheck from somewhere other than the BuyMore, don't you think so? He wants to move on Casey, he wants something different than the BuyMore. He's a Stanford grad for crying out loud, who works in retail with an Ivy League degree? It's time to change things for him, and maybe us too. " Sarah rattled out with a healthy dose of apprehension.

Casey sat for a moment and then picked back up his cleaning. "Yeah, I agree."

Sarah was surprised he agreed so quickly, but then smiled. _He really has lost all his edges where Chuck is concerned, maybe not to the degree I have but he has definitely softened. _"Good, then you will help me talk to Beckman?"

"When you have a solid plan I will stand with you and Chuck to present it to Beckman. We have to appeal to her logical side, she's a general, and she doesn't care how he feels Sarah." Casey stated as he finished reassembling the R93. He placed the newly cleaned sniper rifle on the table and grabbed his SIG-Sauer P229 custom and began stripping it down.

"I know. The thing is … she should. It's just how he's wired Casey. If she doesn't give him some consideration for that she is going to lose the precious intersect! The amazing man that hosts it is going to fall apart before her." Sarah stopped what she was doing and looked over at him with tears starting to fall out of her eyes. "I'm telling you John, you didn't see him last night. He needs a break, period, from everything. I agree we need a plan for the pay request and the long term cover changes, but the break he needs? We need to get that approved now Casey or he is going to lose his mind." Sarah was mad at herself for showing Casey such an emotional side of herself, but she couldn't help it. Chuck had rattled her last night with his vulnerability. She had never imagined someone like him was capable of such deep despair. All she could think about now was putting a smile on his face, that one smile in particular, her smile.

Casey stopped looking at her the minute he saw the tears start. He was trying to concentrate on the trigger mechanism when she finished her impassioned plea. "I got it taken care of Walker, go to work. I talked to Beckman this morning. We all have two weeks off. I requested permission to go to a gun show in Tokyo, so I'm leaving in the morning. He's all your responsibility for the next two weeks, think you can handle it by yourself?"

Sarah smiled at her partner and got up from the table. Having re-assembled the Colt she placed it back in the armory and walked towards the stairs. "That's a great idea. I think Chuck needs to get out of LA for awhile, and so do I. Maybe Jamaica, I wonder if Chuck would like that." Casey never looked up from his gun as she went happily up the stairs to open the Orange Orange.

As Sarah pondered how she was going to tell Chuck the good news she thought about how they were going to approach Beckman about the remaining issues Chuck was having. She thought that maybe they could create a computer business that they all could work at together. It would be so much easier for them all. No annoying cover jobs would mean less hours and less explaining to do when missions needed their attention and time. BuyMore worked for a cover when Chuck didn't have his degree, but lately Ellie had begun harping on Chuck about finding something else, something better. That would be a selling point to Beckman for the change in covers, one that she couldn't really refute at all. As far as the rest she had two weeks to work on it, and she would have Chuck by her side working on it with her.

She glanced at the clock and sighed. It was only 10, she had two more hours before Chuck would come and see her. She wiped down the counter and re-filled the napkin, cup, and straw dispensers. She swept the floor and wiped down the front of all of the machines. She looked at the clock again and it was now 10:30. _You have got to be kidding me! I can't wait. I have to go see him._ She walked out the door and flipped the sign. She promised herself she would only go tell him the good news and then she would come right back and wait for lunch. As she crossed the street to the BuyMore she couldn't help the grin on her face or the spring in her step. She was pretty sure she had never been happy like this before. If she was honest she was pretty sure she had never been happy before. Content occasionally, but happy? Not if this is what it felt like, she had never been here before and she was pretty sure that as long as she had Chuck this feeling was never going away.

Chuck was working on replacing a hard drive in the cage and he was completely lost in his work. He had his trusty iPod to keep him moving and his table full of tools spread out across his work bench. Matthew Sweet was in his ear chanting about calling "her" his girlfriend. He smiled and began slightly rocking his head to the music. He began to wonder what Sarah thought of him as. Were they girlfriend/boyfriend now? Did that even cover the depth of their relationship or was it bigger than what Sarah was ready for? She had finally told him that she loved him. He knew that counted as a big commitment for her. While he knew that, he also didn't want to label them with something that would make her uncomfortable. As well as he felt like he knew her he was smart enough to know he still didn't know her motivation for anything she did. Sarah was still an enigma to him, and if he really thought about it, he was ok with that. She could be whatever she wanted to be as long as she loved him, that he did know. He began closing up the case to the PC, carefully placing the small screws back in place. When he stood up and placed it on the completed shelf, he turned back around and saw her standing against the wall, watching him with a small smile on her face. He quickly tore out his ear buds.

"Is it lunch time already? I'm sorry!" Chuck dug in his pocket for his phone, glancing at the clock in the corner he quickly realized it wasn't even 11 yet. He stopped and looked at her confused.

"It's not lunch time yet Chuck, I just missed you." Sarah said as she entered the cage and pulled him towards her for a tender kiss. "And, I have some amazing news for you!" She lowered her head to his chest and whispered the next part quietly. "For us." As she was about to tell him about their vacation Big Mike came barreling through the door.

"Bartowski! What part of "Employees Only" do you or your girlfriend there not understand? "He asked as he glared at Sarah who was still holding Chuck around the neck and pressed against his body. She backed away with an apologetic smile to Big Mike and a wink to Chuck. Big Mike walked in to the cage and pointed back at the door. "Nothing personal Blondie but you know OSHA regulations and all, can you go back up front please? I will send Chuck up but I need to talk with him for a minute." Mike's eyes never left Chuck so he didn't notice the slightly disappointed look on Sarah's face. She knew he was about to ruin her surprise. She squeezed Chucks hand and gave him a small smile, and then she did as Big Mike asked. His face softened as soon as the door closed behind her. "Listen son, I know things have been … different with you lately, you don't seem to be yourself lately. I notice these things and I want you to know that my door is always open if you need anything. That being said I have approved your 2 week vacation request, I hope it helps." Big Mike patted Chuck on the shoulder and turned to walk out of the cage.

Chuck was stunned. He knew better than to say anything because he assumed it was a cover for something. He knew he hadn't requested a vacation. His mind started to go over his last paycheck stub and his stomach dropped. He knew he had only had a few days worth of paid time off, how was he going to pay his bills if they made him take off work? He threw his screwdriver on the bench and slammed his palm against the fence, placing his forehead on the back of his hand. He tried to calm his breathing down but he could feel the panic rising in his throat like bile. He needed to get out of here. He swallowed the lump in his throat and made his way to the front of the store. He saw Sarah standing by the Nerd Herder desk and he made eye contact with her. Her smile faded when she saw his face and she immediately started to make her way towards him. He kept walking though, right out the front door and in to the parking lot. He didn't stop until he heard Sarah calling his name from somewhere behind him. He was still trying to calm his breathing when she reached him and pulled him to her.

"Chuck? Sweetie? What is wrong?" She was holding both sides of his neck, looking in his eyes as if she was going to find the answer without his words.

"Are they trying to ruin me? I can't afford two weeks off Sarah, I don't understand how I am supposed to survive if they don't give me time to work." Chuck said quietly.

Sarah just smiled and kissed his lips softly, never removing her hands from him. "This is definitely not how I thought you would react to two weeks alone with me but I am pretty sure it would have been much more pleasant had I gotten to tell you, he ruined my surprise!" Chuck just continued to stare at her, but his breathing had calmed down dramatically. "Baby, don't freak out. I promised you I was taking care of things, remember? This is the first step. You need a break, from everything. That's what you said, that's what we are giving you." Sarah spoke calmly as she ran her thumbs across his jaw line, never losing eye contact with him.

"Alone with you? Like really alone?" Chuck stuttered out. Sarah giggled at him.

"Now that is more the reaction I was looking for. Yes Chuck. You, me, and some beach somewhere." Sarah slid her hands down to his and put them around her waist. She wrapped herself around his neck and kissed his lips softly. He responded almost instantly, deepening the kiss and pulling her close. When they both came up for air Sarah beamed up at him. "So where do you want to go Chuck?"

Chuck smiled and pulled her into his chest, holding her tightly and taking in her scent. She was the most calming presence he had ever known. "I don't care where we go Sarah, as long as you are there we can vacation in a cardboard box for all I care." Sarah just burrowed into his chest and laughed.

"Well, as flattered as I am by that odd visual, I am also excited to go on vacation with you. I am also positive we can do better than a cardboard box."

Chuck pulled back and looked in her eyes. "You know what I mean Sarah. I don't even know what to say. Thank you? I love you? You are amazing? I have no idea what I would do without you?"

"All of the above?" Sarah laughed. "Just to be fair though I want you to know that Casey arranged this, he spoke to Beckman, and he made sure he had "other" plans so you and I had some time together. I know you and Casey don't exactly see eye to eye but he's going to help us Chuck, he's going to help us talk to Beckman after we get back."

Chuck looked shocked. "Talk about what?" he asked hesitantly.

"About you, being paid for your … unique abilities. And also about a new cover for us. Sometime over the next two weeks you and I are going to come up with a solid plan as to why you need to quit the BuyMore and move on to another cover job. We need to have everything lined out with no room for objections. I figure between you, my brilliant nerd, and I, we can come up with something we can all be happy with, even Casey. He's on your side Chuck, he's on our side." Sarah explained with excitement, she was proud of their plan.

"Again with the amazing and the thank you and the lack of words. I would love to hear how you talked him in to that someday." Chuck just smiled and shook his head. "So how exactly do we begin these two weeks of debauchery? What do I tell Ellie?"

Sarah smiled coyly and made a small growl as she grabbed Chuck's ass with both hands. "Debauchery huh? I really like the sound of that! As far as Ellie, you won an all expense paid trip for you and a guest through some kind of sweepstakes. We will send a letter notification with the tickets so she won't have any reason to question it. Don't stress about anything Chuck, we have this covered, it's what we do. This is a worry free trip for you, no stress, no work, no spying, and … well, and me. 24/7. No surveillance. No secrets and no lies."

"That's a very loaded statement coming from you." Chuck said with an eyebrow dance and a smile.

"You have no idea Chuck." Sarah said softly as she looked at him seriously.

Chuck swallowed loudly at the implication of her words. "I love you Sarah."

"I love you too." She said with a smile and walked across the street back to the Orange Orange. Chuck turned and headed back to the BuyMore, smiling as he walked.


End file.
